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Artikills

To her, with love

I can still remember that day

there was no teacher in the class

so most of the students were out

except a few including me and you.

I was inside because my friends were

and you were sitting there

smiling and talking to your friends.

I remember staring at you

as you giggled away happily

until you caught me looking at you

and I turned another way in panic.

 

I used to blush out of control

everytime you crossed my eyes

and a big part of my day was

waiting to see you smile

because you see, it was your smile

that trapped me the first time.

You became the reason

I started liking school a little

amidst the storms and daily tremors

inside my head that I had to survive.

 

You were an excuse to smile for me

in those days of my horrific anxiety,

you were one of the rare nice kids

or so I thought

in a place full of ignorance and classism.

You seemed like an introvert

and I was the shyest guy I’ve known,

you had an aura of positivity about you

which always showed on you face

and would make my day a little less bitter.

 

I thought a lot, I did overthink

I ran a thousand simulations,

asked myself a million questions

and answered them too,

I somehow assured myself

that we could happen, despite

my guilt for my ill health.

I was a 16 year old boy

in love with a girl my age

I couldn’t go up and talk to her

but I badly wanted her

to be my girlfriend.

 

It was a tragic time for me

a disease I’d never heard of

and oh how badly I wanted

to be able to focus upon

the book in front of my eyes.

But when I started liking you

I was much happier

because you shooed the demons away

and I could read a little better.

And I’d rather spend my time

worried whether you’d be mine

than fighting a virus

tearing through my brain.

 

In the end, school was over

and I never found the courage

to say how much you meant to me

without even speaking to me ever.

On the day of our farewell

you came in a red sari

although many others were in red

only you looked like a beautiful rose.

I’ve always loved how simple you are

and I wish I could tell you

that you look amazing in earrings.

 

It was Ganesh puja in college

and I was out with my friends,

we were about to leave the pandal

when I saw you in that lovely orange dress

and fell for you again.

I’d seen that smile after a long time

and standing there I decided

I’ll definitely talk to you.

I sent my friends away

and stood there waiting for you

to maybe try and spark something

but little did I know

it was never meant to happen.

 

I talked to you twice or thrice

in passing if we ever met

and back in my room

I did it all over again in my head.

The what ifs, the buts, the simulations

and all that self-doubt

because this time I wanted

to not let go without

telling you what I had in my heart.

And after postponing it

a million times I did it

and until then your smiling pictures

used to be my torch of hope.

 

You replied once in a couple of days

and I would eagerly count the hours

I would spend my time in the lab

waiting to hear from you again

checking my phone every minute.

And when I told you how I felt

you refused politely

and I broke away like glass.

That very thing had happened

which I feared the most.

I didn’t want to give up

I didn’t want to lose hope

so I tried talking to you

a few more time to convince you

to give me a chance.

 

I did everything a boy does

I tried every way possible

your answer never changed

and at last, I gave up.

I wish the best in the world for you

I hope you’re happy

because that is how

you make those around you feel.

They say goodbyes are hard

but no one ever knows how it is

even if they know it’s coming.

 

Thank you for all the happiness

thank you for all those times

my heart skipped a beat seeing you

for you are and always will be

pretty like when I fell in love with you.

I hope you never lose that gifted smile

and I hope you wear earrings more. :’)

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