I can still remember that day
there was no teacher in the class
so most of the students were out
except a few including me and you.
I was inside because my friends were
and you were sitting there
smiling and talking to your friends.
I remember staring at you
as you giggled away happily
until you caught me looking at you
and I turned another way in panic.
I used to blush out of control
everytime you crossed my eyes
and a big part of my day was
waiting to see you smile
because you see, it was your smile
that trapped me the first time.
You became the reason
I started liking school a little
amidst the storms and daily tremors
inside my head that I had to survive.
You were an excuse to smile for me
in those days of my horrific anxiety,
you were one of the rare nice kids
or so I thought
in a place full of ignorance and classism.
You seemed like an introvert
and I was the shyest guy I’ve known,
you had an aura of positivity about you
which always showed on you face
and would make my day a little less bitter.
I thought a lot, I did overthink
I ran a thousand simulations,
asked myself a million questions
and answered them too,
I somehow assured myself
that we could happen, despite
my guilt for my ill health.
I was a 16 year old boy
in love with a girl my age
I couldn’t go up and talk to her
but I badly wanted her
to be my girlfriend.
It was a tragic time for me
a disease I’d never heard of
and oh how badly I wanted
to be able to focus upon
the book in front of my eyes.
But when I started liking you
I was much happier
because you shooed the demons away
and I could read a little better.
And I’d rather spend my time
worried whether you’d be mine
than fighting a virus
tearing through my brain.
In the end, school was over
and I never found the courage
to say how much you meant to me
without even speaking to me ever.
On the day of our farewell
you came in a red sari
although many others were in red
only you looked like a beautiful rose.
I’ve always loved how simple you are
and I wish I could tell you
that you look amazing in earrings.
It was Ganesh puja in college
and I was out with my friends,
we were about to leave the pandal
when I saw you in that lovely orange dress
and fell for you again.
I’d seen that smile after a long time
and standing there I decided
I’ll definitely talk to you.
I sent my friends away
and stood there waiting for you
to maybe try and spark something
but little did I know
it was never meant to happen.
I talked to you twice or thrice
in passing if we ever met
and back in my room
I did it all over again in my head.
The what ifs, the buts, the simulations
and all that self-doubt
because this time I wanted
to not let go without
telling you what I had in my heart.
And after postponing it
a million times I did it
and until then your smiling pictures
used to be my torch of hope.
You replied once in a couple of days
and I would eagerly count the hours
I would spend my time in the lab
waiting to hear from you again
checking my phone every minute.
And when I told you how I felt
you refused politely
and I broke away like glass.
That very thing had happened
which I feared the most.
I didn’t want to give up
I didn’t want to lose hope
so I tried talking to you
a few more time to convince you
to give me a chance.
I did everything a boy does
I tried every way possible
your answer never changed
and at last, I gave up.
I wish the best in the world for you
I hope you’re happy
because that is how
you make those around you feel.
They say goodbyes are hard
but no one ever knows how it is
even if they know it’s coming.
Thank you for all the happiness
thank you for all those times
my heart skipped a beat seeing you
for you are and always will be
pretty like when I fell in love with you.
I hope you never lose that gifted smile
and I hope you wear earrings more. :’)
A writer in (hopefully)progress.